I
go through old letters and cards and see the love that I had for so
long. I see the feeling and thought that I put in each and every
one. I read through the ones given to me and feel like such a fool.
The love and deep feelings portrayed in the pages and cards, they
seem like just wishful thinking on my part now.
She
is gone.
I
cared for her day and night for so many years. I cleaned up after
her. Ensured all appointments and needs were met. For her piece of
mind I kept the peace, even if others wished nothing but turmoil. I
endured the callousness of her family.
Did
she ever love me? The things that she did, the things that hurt and
continue to ache to this very minute. The burden that she left on
her mother. The complete exclusion of me from all that was her.
Now
that she is gone I am left with nothing but memories, as it all went
to her parents by decree of her last will.
The
letters and cards are gone now, all I have are the memories. I just
wish they were not tainted as they now have become.
Years
of love and complete trust, wasted in a futile effort to be apart of
someone's life. I gave one hundred and ten percent of me to the her.
She took it, ran with it, now I have nothing.
I
was completely faithful to her, through the good and the bad, even
through the worst. I was there in each hospital room no matter how
long the stay, I even helped push her into the intensive care unit
when the nurses could not find anyone else. I was there as the
illness took what was left of her, as her mind started to leave and
all she could do was scream for help. I was there when others would
not come around. When no one would even give her a phone call, not
even her own brother, I was there. I held her hand, dried her tears,
comforted her, reassured her even though I needed the reassurance
myself.
She
is gone.
I
am still here, me and a little white dog, homeless just a truck and a
motorcycle to my name. What is in store for me and this little white
dog? There maybe a heavenly plan for the two of us but to me it
remains a mystery.
What
was once is no more. Things being divided among those that cherish
'things' above people. I will have nothing but memories, if only
they were not tainted by what has come to pass.
I
turn my face to heaven and ask why. The answer eludes me.
After
she had gone I did tell the Heavenly Father that my life was his. He
is to take it were he wills, put in my path who he chooses. I have
to remain patient and let His plan unfold before me. Please Lord,
let me be paying attention.
She
is gone and I am still here.
